Our Later Years

Empty nest. 

Retirement. 

Physical decline. 

Caregiving. 

Loss of spouse....

These situations are inevitable, especially as we begin to grow old.

So how can we keep our marriages strong when the children are all gone, we no longer have full time employment to occupy our time, our heath is failing, we have to care for our ailing spouse, and eventually that dear companion of ours leaves this mortal life?

At some point in every marriage, a couple must draw closer to one another, rekindle their romance and begin to redefine themselves as a couple. That will look different for every marriage, and prove to be more challenging for couples with pre-existing marriage problems, but there are coping strategies that can help to build a more secure bond, even after years of marriage.

Things such developing interests together, regular temple attendance together, finding service opportunities together - even serving a mission, if health allows. But, when health doesn't allow for such things, there are still opportunities to draw near to one another. These times require all the resources that we develop over the years...things such as wisdom, love, patience, and long suffering.

Abraham and Sarah serve and a beautiful example of a couple who faced physical and spiritual challenges with hope and grace. "Commitment, tenacity and faith are required to confront successfully (in a unifying and supportive way) the many challenges that are faced by mature married couples." (Hawkins) But the rewards are attainable and available to all older couples who are willing to consistently apply principles that will lead to the formation of that secure bond in marriage.

President Ezra Taft Benson shared a beautiful message full of love and hope to the elderly in his address, " The the Elderly in the Church". In this message he gives eight areas where we can make the most of our senior years. So whether you are old or young, married, single or widowed, I high encourage you to listen to his words of counsel and find hope in the Golden Years of your marriage and life. Check it out...

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1989/10/to-the-elderly-in-the-church?lang=eng

Strengthening Our Families

"Therefore the people of the Nephites were aware of the intent of the Amlicites, and therefore they did prepare to meet them; yea, they did arm themselves with swords, and with cimeters, and with bows, and with arrows, and with stones, and with slings, and with all manner of weapons of war, of every kind."  Alma 2:12

We are engaged in a war against the enemy who is trying to destroy the sanctity of marriage and family from every angle. Satan desires nothing more than for us to be “miserable like unto himself” (2 Ne. 2:27 (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.). We have what he will never - a body and a family.

We are aware of the intent of our enemy, but what are we doing to fortify our marriages and families?!

As a take a look back on my own marriage of twenty years, I can see the times where we were not doing our part to strengthen our marriage, and the weakness that created in our fortress. It was easier for us to slip into poor habits, to be short with one another, to find fault in one another quickly, and to lack a desire to do better. Satan is clever and will slowing pull us away from one another and from the Father if we allow him to create and grow weaknesses in our fortress. 

President Spencer W. Kimball teaches us, "Some think of happiness as a glamorous life of ease, luxury, and constant thrills; but true marriage is based on a happiness which is more than that, one which comes from giving, serving, sharing, sacrificing, and selflessness." In a day and age where we can quickly compare our boring and mundane lives to those of our peers seemingly glamorous lives, via social media, it can become even more challenging to find the joy in our own marriages and lives. But, if we follow the counsel of President Kimball and seek opportunities to serve, share and sacrifice for one another we will be able to find a deeper and more lasting joy and bond with our spouse and loved ones. 

So, what are we doing in our own homes to fortify your marriage or family, and prepare to meet the adversary on all sides? The video link below tells the story of a family who's teenagers were challenged by their Bishop to make their home a more faithful and holy place. As you watch, I encourage you to consider the things that you can do in your own family that will strengthen your family through love and faith in the Savior, Jesus Christ. 

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/media-library/video/how-can-i-strengthen-my-family-young-women?lang=eng

Forgiveness in Families

No family is without pain, frustration, loss of trust, and a variety of other conflicts that leave us with a need to offer forgiveness to a family member. 
My own family has experienced such pain, and the need to forgive and overcome great loss of trust. My younger brother has battled drug addiction for 15 years.....His addiction has brought our family so much heartache and turmoil, especially as he now, serves a 10 year prison sentence due to all the things that are associated with drug addiction. 
This video below is a great testament of the power of forgiveness, and how it can literally change your life, and your families. 

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/media-library/video/2015-08-008-step-8-forgiveness-larrys-story-about-drug-addiction-recovery?lang=eng&_r=1

We all need time to work through our pain, loss, and frustrations but I know through the power of our Savior, Jesus Christ, that hope, healing and forgiveness are possible, even in the most challenging of circumstances. 

“Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.” - Dr. Sidney Simon

Parenting as the Father Would

The Family a Proclamation to the World teaches, “Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.”

How can these guidelines help us to rear our children in righteousness?

Love and righteousness – Parents can teach children in formal and casual settings. From dinner time and chores, to Family Home Evenings or Family Councils. Even in car rides to and from school can provide us with and opportunity to teach our children in love and righteousness, as our Father in Heaven would to us.

Provide for their physical and spiritual needs – Yes, we know we need to provide roof over their heads, and food on the table, but we should also be teaching our children how to do these things for themselves one day. We teach them the tools they will need to care for themselves and their own families eventually.

Teach them to love and serve – The greatest way our children learn is through our examples. If they see us serving them, our spouses, in our community, and all those we come in contact with they will follow suit. I believe our children can learn so much about the pure love of Christ in our families and through Church service.

Obey the commandments and follow the law – We are blessed to live in a country where obeying the law of the land does not cause us have to break the commandments of God, nor do they conflict with His teachings. However, we aren’t always perfect in keeping those laws. I am just as guilty as the next person of going over the speed limit or doing a “California Stop” when no one else is around. This is not the example our Father in Heaven would have us set for our children. We will teach them great lessons in the little things, and laws that we choose to keep in our daily life.

Simply studying this small section of the Family Proclamation can help us to refine our teachings as parents, and help us to better guide our children through this life, as our Father in Heaven would guide us.

The Gift of Infertility

Meet my brother, Chris, his beautiful wife, Christy and their three miracle babies. Each one of these gorgeous babies came through the miracle of adoption, and after years and years of painful fertility treatments, failed fertility treatments, tears, discouragement, fear, fasting, prayers and then the gift of birth mothers, who were so selfless that they gave the gift of parenthood to a couple who couldn't provide that for themselves. Those were hard years. Really hard years. My heart still aches for them during those years, knowing the faith it took them to press forward when there seemed to be no hope in sight. Why would Heavenly Father prevent such a worthy couple from having children, when one of his greatest commandments is the "multiply and replenish the earth"? This was just one of the many hard questions that our family would ask ourselves. However, as the adoption process began for Chris and Christy it became very clear what Heavenly Father's plan was for them, and the Spirit filled our souls at this new miracle that we never knew we all needed....To see the miracle that adoption is for everyone involved. 

The Family a Proclamation to the World teaches us that, "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity." My nephew and two nieces now have a privilege that they would not have otherwise been given if Chris and Christy been able to conceive on their own. I can think of no greater gift for these three precious souls than to be part of an eternal family, now. 

While adoption is not an easy route for anyone, it was the route Heavenly Father intended for this family. If you or someone you know is struggling with infertility, I encourage you to visit with your Bishop who can offer you spiritual guidance and counsel, as well as connect you with LDS Family services that can guide you through your options, and offer encouragement and hope. 

As for Chris and Christy, after 16 years of marriage, and never once being pregnant before, they are unexpectedly expecting their first naturally born baby! What a gift from heaven. A gift no greater than the three they have already been blessed with, but a new gift that they have never experienced before. God is so, so good!

Finding Warmth and Joy in Marriage

In a society that focuses intensely on appearances, social status, college pedigree, career success, etc. it could be very easy to seek those types of characteristics in a spouse, instead of other qualities such as selflessness, humility, maturity, and even a good sense of humor. Yes, emotional and physical chemistry are very important in a marriage, but best selling author, therapist and public speaker Lori Gottlieb believes that a great spouse is not only a appealing romantic companion but also a steady partner with whom "to run a very small, mundane, nonprofit business"which, among its many perks includes, "having a solid like-minded teammate in life". Again, the emotional and physical chemistry is vital, but Gottlieb cautions, those looking for a lasting marriage "should look for a chemistry level that is a 6 or 7, and a compatibility level that's a 9"! Too often we get caught up in the ideal chemistry instead of looking at the bigger picture. We need to be founding our relationships on realistic expectations versus the fantasy we see in the world and media around us. 

According to Dr. Gottman in "Introduction to Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives", "comical as it may sound romance actually grows when a couple are in a supermarket and the wife says, 'Are we out of bleach?' and the husband says, 'I don't know. Let me grab some just in case.' instead of shrugging apathetically." So what are some more examples of things that we can be doing in our marriages or relationships that will bring warmth and happiness that will stand the test of time? 

Take a look at this fun little clip for some tips...
https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/collection/tv-ads/lasting-marriage

Fidelity

The Family a Proclamation to the World explains that a husband and wife should "honor marital vows with complete fidelity". There is a misconception in the world today, that infidelity only involves sexual acts outside of marriage. But being faithful to ones spouse involves more than avoiding adultery. Some other forms of infidelity include fantasy infidelity, visual infidelity/pornography, and romantic infidelity.

Fantasy infidelity is characterized by having an emotional affair with someone who has no knowledge about what is taking place. This involves fantasizing romantically about a person other than your spouse. 

Visual infidelity/Pornography is the most common form of unfaithfulness and infidelity. stimulation is common practice while viewing pornography. 

Romantic Infidelity occurs when a person become emotionally involved with another person other than their spouse. This is done often as an escape from the monotony from everyday life. This is different from sexual infidelity in that sexual acts are not engaged in, but simply dating, engaging in romantic conversations, and so forth. 

Sexual Infidelity occurs when a person engages in sexual acts with a person other than their spouse. In some instances, sexual infidelity can be detached, in that, the person does not have a personal relationship with the individual, but simply engaged in sexual acts with someone other than their spouse. 

The consequences of infidelity can be multifaceted - from the obvious consequences within the marriage, as well as professional, personal, physical and spiritual consequences. 

Elder Holland teaches, "When we face such temptations in our time, we must declare, as young Nephi did in his, “[I will] give place no more for the enemy of my soul. We can reject the evil one! May the joy of our fidelity to the highest and best within us be ours as we keep our love and our marriages, our society and our souls, as pure as they were meant to be."

Here is link to a talk by Elder Holland titled, "Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul". This is a beautiful talk centered around infidelity and how to protect our covenants and marriages. 

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2010/04/place-no-more-for-the-enemy-of-my-soul?lang=smo